Paying Attention to the People Who Love You
Debbie was little then. But she already had the radiant smile that would inspire her high school classmates to name her: “Girl most likely to get her picture on a Wheaties box.”
It was after church, and Debbie was charming anyone who came in range. I was acting the role of proud parent. One well-dressed older woman bent down to ask: “What does your daddy do?”
Debbie frowned as she pondered the question. Then she brightened and piped up in her little-girl voice.
“He goes away.”
It was like a kick in the stomach. I knew I was busy and working hard. There were speeches to give and clients to help and books to write and flights to catch.
After I got done feeling ambushed, I figured out what was going on. I saw every trip or meeting as an exception. I knew I loved my kids and I thought I was making time for them. But I wasn’t.
The exceptions had become the rule. And my family had become enablers.
They loved me. So when I said that I needed to skip a game or recital or play, they forgave me.
But I couldn’t let them do that forever. If I did, I would wind up as “the dad who goes away” or “the dad that doesn’t come.” Eventually I would be “the dad that doesn’t care.”
I didn’t want to be that dad. I started making my kids’ events on my calendar as sacred as other events. That meant re-scheduling client meetings. It meant turning down some work. But it was worth it.
The fact is that I don’t remember those meetings I re-scheduled. But I remember Dave playing ball and Debbie playing the clarinet and Diana dancing.
But you also should know that I’d get it right for a while and then I’d backslide. I had to keep catching myself and willing myself to do the right thing. Looking back, I could have done much better.
When you’re in the midst of making a career, it’s easy to make exceptions until they become the rule. It’s easy to let your family forgive you and forgive you until they stop caring. Don’t do it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:31 am
This is an excellent post. Thanks.
I really feel for moms and dads that miss so much of their kids’ day-to-day lives. I also know that transitions in and out of being home/away are as tough on the parent who stays as the one who leaves. Talking through the trade-offs and acknowledging that creating balance is an ongoing process – not a destination – helps us all make more mindful choices.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Very good post Wally. My dad and my brother continually remind me that they are afraid I’ll make the same mistake(s) as I pursue my career in advertising. I believe your post highlights the importance of balance, and establishing priorities. ~Cheers~